Just another modest proposal from big agribusiness...

Thank heavens for the internet, showing me the error of my ways -- according to this fellow, "conventional" farming is better for the environment and even for animals being raised for food. He suggests that caged chickens are better off than free range chickens because they are less stressed due to their confinement.

Maybe he's on to something. If, indeed, intensive cage farming is better for the chickens because they consume fewer calories and thus resources and are not troubled by natural behaviors like moving around and establishing a social hierarchy, why not expand the concept? Why not solve this problem of expanding food needs by caging humans as well? Surely keeping humans in banks of tightly-fitting cages would be better for us, as it would eliminate such stressors as war, poverty, and competition for mates. We would take up much less space, which would be better for the environment.

And if we went one step further and fed us recycled bits of human as they feed chickens recycled bits of other chickens, we could drastically reduce our need to raise food animals -- and thus our impact upon the Earth. Such humans might not be able to lift their arms due to the tight quarters, but in the past raised arms have been used to hold weapons and intimidate others, so it's really better if we can eliminate these types of distressing behaviors altogether. And, really, isn't the lifespan of the average human right now a little over-the-top? If we can condense all this living into a smaller physical space, we might as well do what we do with chickens and condense it into a smaller temporal space as well. Meat chickens hit their peak at, what, six weeks? It would be hard to argue that people haven't hit their peak by thirty-five or so. If we could just select for the shortest-lived and fastest-growing humans, we could streamline things to fit many more generations into a century of time. And once you hit thirty-five, you still get to give back to the community by becoming people kibble. What could be more environmentally friendly than that?

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